From Challenges to Chances
By: Maria Julieta R. Abinsay
Soroptimist Bocaue - Regional Entry: Live Your Dream Program (An Educational Grant)
"As a person with psychosocial disability, I thought that it would be impossible to reach my dream. Financial challenges are burdensome, but psychological and mental struggles extremely increase the burden. But that will not stop me. I may have taken breaks, but those lead me to breakthroughs."
When I was young, I foresaw that when I reach this age of 23, I am already achieving my career goals, helping my family's finances, and journeying to the usual adulting plans. I was wrong. At 23, I am on my 3rd Year in college, doing part-time tasks, and still not completely financially capable of supporting my family. Aside from that, I also have internal mental battles that I hardly speak off. Being diagnosed with Depression into Bipolar Disorder as a teenager, the struggle has become harder to conquer.
In high school, I experience spending 3 years without electricity. I got damaged sight because of studying in the dark, only using a gas lamp as my light. But I need to study harder and endure the hardship. Good grades will be my gateway to enter college with a scholarship since education is never free at that time.
From 2010 to 2011, I was faced with a huge challenge. We are 6 siblings — a total of 8 mouths to feed with a small amount of wage. My youngest brother was barely 1 year old at that time. My mother cannot breastfeed him because she needs to work double-time as a bread packer. My father is a tricycle driver. We cannot even have the ability to buy him milk regularly, and it breaks my heart to see him cry, and all I could give him is warm water.
But things got worse. Because of extreme financial deficiencies, school, and home pressure, plus my childhood traumas and anxieties, I was eliminated in the honor rank. My depression was triggered and developed in Bipolar Affective Disorder (Manic-Depression). How can we even buy medicines costing more than what our family earns?
But I somehow recovered the next years. In 2013, I graduated as Salutatorian within our high school batch. But college time is approaching. I passed the entrance exam at a University in Bulacan, and I got a half scholarship. Yet, we still cannot afford the rest of the tuition. My second psychological episode happened that same year. I stopped my studies for a year. For some time, I just rested and gave way to heal and rest. And after that, I worked as a production worker.
I entered college in 2014 in a private college where I got a scholarship, still have to pay for miscellaneous fees, but that is okay. I thought that would be better since I am already there. But, what adds to the pressure is that I still have to maintain grades, or else I will lose the scholarship. I succeeded in my first year being included in the honor list and still having the scholarship.
But in 2015, my third and last episode occurred. My parents and I are still not entirely aware that my medications should never be self-medicated. Because of a desire to lessen our expenses, we thought that decreasing my medicine intake will make our life easier. Thus, being unable to buy all my meds turned things differently.
I stopped again for that year. I strongly want to go back to school, but miscommunications happen. So, after recovering, I worked as an office assistant in Manila for almost a year (2016). My desire to finish a degree is still there. So after resigning from my job in Manila, I enrolled in a Bible Institute while doing a part-time inventory job and got a short course diploma in Bible Education (2018). But to fully support my medical and family needs, I have to finish my 4-year course.
June 2018, I took all the courage I have and returned to the private school where I formerly started college. Once and for all, I will grab the chance to reach and live my dream to become a degree holder and educator.
While writing this, I was personally wondering why I was able to go through this. This may just look common to people, especially in our community - poverty as it is totally discouraging, what more to add mental health disability? But I just realized that I was able to fight poverty and mental health because I never gave up and with the help of the One above.
That is why, while facing all those, I have given time to help my church community. I partake in teaching children in a small area in Bocaue and Children Ministry once or twice a month, which we call Saturday and Sunday School. We also have annual Vacation Bible teaching programs where I volunteer as a teacher. I have been doing this for from 2009 until now. For 11 years, through those times, when I am weak, I always come back to serve God by serving with his children and people.
My mental health battle has also become my testimony. I want to share mental health awareness and inspire people to continue to fight. Honestly, I always feel ashamed about my illness before. I have experienced being down and judged. But now, I use it as a stepping stone to encourage others to understand and help people having the same mental health battles. As my personal journal notebook tells me, illness can be turned to wellness if we educate, engage, and empower one another. As an aspiring professional teacher, this will be my avenue to reach more lives.
As for my psychosocial battle, I have broken up my 2-year-episode-cycle. It took me not once, not twice, but thrice to my personal, financial, social, emotional, mental growth. I have not experienced major psychological episodes for 5 years now and have been a functional individual, at least for my family, school, church, community, and work interactions.
Now, I am currently in my last 3 semesters in college, hoping to acquire a brighter future after graduation. On the side, I work as a part-time online writer, and to make ends meet, at least for basic expenses. I also do on-call tutoring. This helps me to give allowance for myself and my younger siblings.
"Live Your Dream" program will surely help me soar higher, given a chance to receive it. But even if I will or will not be granted with this LYD award, being able to tell you my story is enough. It took me years to even share this with other people because I lived in fear of being judged for what I have been through. But, giving me this small voice is already a reward. I will not stop, not at this moment. This sparked the hope inside me as a financially and mentally challenged person.
It will be hard for me to have a 20/20 vision, for my sight has turned unclear. But this year 2020, I can fully visualize that this is my roadmap to more years of challenges turned to chances and the right choices in life.
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